Don’t Judge a Book by Its Shoes

Posted: Jan 18, 2013
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Why you need me on your Zombie Apocalypse Team

The other day the staff was having a theoretical discussion. Topic? Which DoveLewis staff members would you take with you if there was a zombie apocalypse?

The first picked by everyone was the great and most awesome Dr. Coby Richter. Not only can she perform life saving surgery on you should you need it, she can also hunt and fish. I also happen to know she has an excellent wine collection. No argument, she's in.

Next on everyone's list was our Blood Bank Director, Jill Greene, CVT extraordinaire. In addition to her transfusion medicine skills, she also likes to go hiking and gather wild vegetables and fruit. So far, she hasn’t poisoned anyone. I would like to take a moment to point out that I've done “u-pick” a ton of times and didn't pick up anything I shouldn’t. But I agree. Jill is awesome.

The rest of the list included a hodgepodge of people, but the one other thing everyone else did agree on is that they would definitely not bring me. The following reasons were listed:

  • My mother sent me to cotillion as a child as all good Southern mothers do. Apparently, knowing the proper fork to use and how to write a thank-you note are not useful skills in post-zombie apocalypse Oregon. Emily Post would be outraged people. OUTRAGED.
  • When it comes to physical labor, I am, as our Clinic Operations Manager Brian says, fun but not helpful. I just want to point out that buying beer for everyone after the physical labor is over IS too helpful. Is. Too.
  • Finally, there was a lot of talk about the fact that all-day, everyday I wear brightly colored four-inch heels. I would like to argue this shows how strong my ankles are, but surprisingly this was considered a demerit for zombie fighting.

While it may not appear so from my four-inch heels, I actually do have some useful zombie apocalypse skills that were overlooked. For example, when I was five, I asked my parents to let me take ballet. My dad looked at his little girl (who refused to wear pants and would only wear sneakers if they had sequins) and promptly signed me up for karate. That's right people, karate! I got all the way to a brown belt. Now, truth be told, it's been a while and everything I learned is a little fuzzy, but I’m sure should the need arise I could remember how to do roundhouse kick.

Other than that, I do have some important skills everyone missed. Mainly my ability to manage conflict, influence, and negotiate. Not convinced? Here’s why you would need me.

First, I want to point out my shoes are actually an asset. Did you know I own almost 100 pairs of shoes? Did you also know stilettos aren’t just awesome footwear? They can also be used very effectively as weapons. Think about it, what if you got one of those things thrown at your head? Yeah, that’s right. Your Crocs have got nothing on my Jimmy Choos.

Remember your lazy cousin that can’t hold a job and still lives with his mom? Well of course your mom makes you bring him with you post-apocalypse. True to form, your cuz is eating all the food but not doing any of the work. No one wants to tell him anything. Unless I’m there. I will tell him to shape up or he’s going to be the next menu item at the fancy zombie restaurant that just opened.

Did you know I've memorized all the steps to Thriller? This may not seem like a useful skill, until you also learn that I’m not bad at “strategic communication” (talking people into things). Keep me around after the zombie apocalypse and I’ll have those zombies thinking Thriller is the latest zombie fad – right until I have them side stepping off a cliff. There. Problem solved. World saved. You’re welcome.

Finally, you’ll need someone with negotiation skills when the zombies finally get around to signing the peace treaty. Without me and, as my DiSC assessment said, my confidence in my own opinions, you could easily end up in a chain gang. But no worries, I won’t let that happen. And to celebrate peace, I’ll teach the head zombies all the moves to Thriller. . .