Holiday Disclosure: I Was a Tree Killer

Posted: Dec 23, 2013
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I got this card in the mail yesterday and it caused me to burst into laughter in the middle of my kitchen. I admit it. I used to be a tree killer.

Christmas card to Megan Brashear about tree killing

But the tree my friend is referencing is the one that made me stop. It’s been 8, maybe even 10 years since the tree incident. It was back in my non-grinchy Christmas celebratory days where I picked out the perfect tree, tied it to the roof of my car (okay the cute guy at the tree nursery tied it to my car), borrowed a saw from the dude who lived across the street and cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk to extend the life of the tree, painstakingly set it straight in the tree stand, and decorated for hours. It was BEAUTIFUL. Twinkling lights everywhere, the perfect number of ornaments hanging from wonderfully scented branches, a ridiculously expensive tree skirt surrounding the base that was quickly covered by piles of wrapped presents; it was right out of a soon-to-be-classic holiday movie.

My roommate and I placed every gift that we planned on giving to others under the tree to add to the festive mood. Expensive gifts for parents, fun gifts for nieces and nephews, and a million dog toys were wrapped and waiting for Christmas. I loved that tree. I checked the water daily, I swept falling needles, I positioned it near the big window so everyone passing by would be able to appreciate the grandness of this perfect tree. And then it fell over.

I didn’t know if I should blame the toppling tree on something I had done. Maybe it was the cats or maybe there was a small earthquake? Either way there was minimal damage. The trunk had somehow shifted in the tree stand just enough to send it falling over. This time I really tightened the screws on that tree stand and went about my life. Cut to a couple days later. It's 4am. I’m just falling asleep after a horribly busy swing shift. A huge CRASH has me flying out of bed before I can even make sense of why. I enter the living room…

The tree was on its side, the tree stand tipped over, and Christmas tree water was slowly soaking into every single gift. I was horrified. And I was MAD. This was one of those irrational angers, there is nothing at fault to be angry AT, I was just mad. I focused that anger on the up-to-that-point perfectly beautiful Christmas tree. I began stripping that tree of all of its grandeur. Ornaments were plucked from the branches. Hundreds of twinkly lights were stripped from the tree, removing scented needles as well. I dragged the naked and humiliated tree to the front porch and left it there to think about what it had done and to serve as a warning to other Christmas trees everywhere. Stand tall or end up on the porch.

Obviously my anger at inanimate objects has stuck with a couple of my friends and I appreciate being reminded of my failed relationship with this poor tree. You will be glad to know that I no longer am a tree killer. I went fake and reuse the same wires and plastic every year. Far less anger and no water. These days I prefer to focus my irrational anger on more deserving subjects. Like the lady in the drive-through at 6am who feels the need to ask a bunch of questions during her coffee order (you know who you are), or the exhaust hose on the back of my dryer that doesn’t fit right no matter HOW much I yell at it.

Inside of Megan Brashear's tree killer Christmas card

So there you have it; Megan’s 2013 Grinchy Holiday Blog. See last year's blog, "How DoveLewis Made Me Grinchy. I hope it brings a little smile to your face during stressful days packed with endless shifts and impossible expectations this season!