Veterinary "I Never" Game

Posted: Nov 16, 2012
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The other night, some of the doctors and I played "I will never do". It’s a little like the "I never" game where someone says something that they have never done and then those that have done that are supposed to drink. Obviously the difference was that we weren’t drinking and it revolved around tasks we were apt to never do.

Abscesses are one of them for our lead DVM, which I find appalling. But for her, if it could be an abscess there is not a pole long enough. For the majority of veterinarians (I assume), abscesses are like Snickers candy bars: deeply satisfying (and yes, we love to make food references for disgusting disease processes).

Another DVM refuses to use the hospital paging system. I kind of get that. It’s a little like karaoke. We judge what your voice sounds like on the intercom.

Another colleague is painfully scared, pathologically afraid, mortified of the avian species. If a tech brings a triage back and feathers are seen, this doctor is out of the room faster than a kid on the last day of school. I myself, don’t feel brave around birds either. One time, when examining one (OK, so someone else holds it and I peer at it with gloved hands, holding my breath) the bird felt MUUUUUCH better and escaped with frantic flapping wings in what I imagined to be my face. I may have shoved someone out of the way as I bolted from the room and slammed the door behind me. I don’t pretend to be a hero in any situation.

For me, my never is maggots. MAGGOTS. I have to write it all in caps because that’s how it’s said in my brain, usually followed by frantic wringing of my hands and dropping many expletives. Don’t get me wrong – I often HAVE to deal with maggots, but I REALLY would rather not. It’s the smell; it’s the rhythmic squirming of those putrid creatures in some festering wound. Sometimes you don’t even know they are there and it’s like a horrid surprise on your physical exam. I scream when I see them and have to walk away to “collect” myself. And obviously, there is always SOMEONE that has to remind me that MAGGOTS are really beneficial. They, in fact (ahem), only digest necrotic tissue so they are actually helping the situation. I prefer to ignore that person.